Who is this… Paul Merson?

Who is this… Paul Merson?

OK, it is a rhetorical question, we all know what he was and who he played for in the darker days of football, yes, he played for Middlesbrough, Aston Villa and Portsmouth and a few other nominal teams, such as Tamworth and Woolwich-Arsenal (who?)… But he is more famous or infamous for being married three times… to two L’s (Lorraine & Louise), then he ditched the L’s and stuck with a K (K for Kate).

A man who was addicted to drugs and alcoholism (we all make mistakes, but adding that onto the Arsenal mistake,  it is sort of unforgivable). He was a man that has done battle with a Lorry on the M40 near Warwick, lost and then appropriately was arrested for drink-driving (we’ve all been there… that is the M40). But none of that should be held against him (why not?)… No… now he has moved on with a vengeance. His beloved darker days  – Woolwich – is no longer the Gunner barrel it once was… falling down the league table like a dose of Epson salts going through the stomach and coming out the other end like diarrhoea.

What am I on about… I hear you shouting? Well, this little man, who should be of no interest to us, but because he put his head above the parapet (to be shot at ) and screaming blue murder at Tottenham and Mourinho, in particular (envy).  All because his beloved pet – the Arse – is no longer the team it once was, if it ever was; so he has focused his anger and resentment on our Coach… a Coach he probably wanted to manage his failed team (Mourinho wasn’t that stupid!!).

He also probably thought that by criticising Spurs and Mourinho it might give him that public boost in the hope of resurrecting his none-career. First, he offers a damning verdict on Jose’s managerial career since taking over, never mind that Mourinho has only been in the job a few months, hasn’t got his own team yet, but still managed to push Spurs into fifth position (after falling down the ladder under Pochettino), 4 points behind fourth-placed Chelsea. Never mind that we are well above his team. He then decides to blather on about what Mourinho is thinking, which he thought, or knows, that he was wrong in taking the Spurs job on (Mourinho has denied it). Then he decides to say that Mourinho is “miserable,” how can he be miserable when it is Merson himself who supports the Woolwich-arse-gun-barrel? That is misery!

It is no way to try to get a career in punditry when all he is spouting his jibberish, lies and make-believe and wishful thinking. Maybe he should be thinking of focusing his chances on wood… that is Pinocchio, the wooden lying puppet of a Disney fantasy world. Or perhaps he should get a job as a real-life actor… I believe that they are remaking the Walking Dead films (no makeup needed in his case). Ideal… and while he is at it, he can bring his Woolwich-failed friends with him.

It is all jealousy. Woolwich-Arsenal, who are eleventh in the league have been crying all the way down the league table, to the chip shop, ever since Wenger was made to go and wing it somewhere else. The Gunners only hope is midtable football, Europa League Thursday evening dinners and Paul Merson reading lullabies to them. What he probably regrets is that Jackonary is no longer on the TV (remember that kids programme?), as he probably hoped that his vocation was reading bedtime stories once the decline kicked in, to adolescent Woolwich-Gunbarrel frog spawn.

Let me buy you a drink – fizzy pop – Mr Merson, I would say to him, and invite you to Tottenham, a magnificent stadium, in which, I have no doubt, you haven’t seen the likes of before in your life (how can you, the Emirates is a pale version of a proper football club base, anyway). I will take you to the South Stand where I am sure you will be treated with the knowledge that you possess on Tottenham’s ways, and at the same time be in awe of a great team (as all those that had invaded North London and illegally trespassed, currently do)… And of course, we are above the failed Woolwich Wayne Kerr’s (didn’t I already say that…? Well, a repeat of a good phrase is always worthy).

I believe that a memorial stamp will be issued with the wit and wisdom of Paul Merson – in full – written on the back, on the glue area. On the front will be, next to the Queen, a map of Woolwich-Arsenal’s home, a South London Den of iniquity, where darkness fears to tread. Home sweet home… Where all the crows congregate. Shuussshhhhh…. Don’t mention North London, the true home of the mighty Spurs… I nearly did, but I think I got away with it!

PS for those that might have nightmares because of this article and the mention of the “A” word and feel it is no longer safe to go outside, just remember, nightmares eventually end… a true team like Spurs continues fighting on for truth, justice and the Tottenham Hotspur way. God save Bill Nicholson!

PPS it is all tongue in cheek, but will the Merson clan have the wit and wisdom to see beyond the Twilight zone?

It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone. I just wanted for Paul Merson to feel at home, if, by any chance, he should read this… that is the kind of guy I am… I care!